Heiji's Bizarre Adventure
by Swagnarok
Summary: Dotonbori. One of Osaka's key tourist sites. Also the location of a strange and seemingly innocuous crime related to an old sports curse. Episode 1010.


"Three...two...one..."

"Cheese!"

They snapped the photo of themselves, with the animatronic lifesized doll of a circus clown/drummer, the Kuidaore Taro, in the background. In the background also was an escalator going up (immediately behind the doll), an escalator going down (to the left), and a hallway to the right. Kogoro, Conan, and Nancy were posing for the picture at the immediate entrance to the Nakaza Kuidaore Building, where one could buy a number of souvenirs associated with Osaka and the Kuidaore Taro, which was an iconic symbol of Osaka. This building was located in Dotonbori, a street of sorts in Osaka which was a big tourist attraction.

(Author's Note: Kuidaore is a Japan expression which means "to eat until the point of financial ruin", and is associated with the city of Osaka, which is widely regarded as the culinary capital of Japan.)

"Well, now we came and did that," Kogoro said. "I still don't get all the hype surrounding this thing. It's kind of creepy, actually."

Unfortunately, Eri could not be with them today; ever since moving back in with her formerly estranged husband she significantly reduced her workload as a lawyer (so as to be able to spend more time at home), but this was one day that she simply could not take off.

"It was nice of Heiji to pay our train tickets," Nancy said.

"And don't forget our lunch," Kogoro said with glee.

"Pfft, I'm sure there's a catch," Conan said coolly. "I'll bet he dragged us all the way out here to this second-rate city because he has some morbid crime scene he wants us to check out."

"Well 'scuze me for draggin ya to dis 'second rate city.'"

Heiji Hattori, the dark-skinned high school detective of the west who of course wore a white baseball cap with a dark rim, was standing nearby, and he looked seriously teed off that his hometown had been disrespected by Kudo.

"So," Kogoro said. "Was Conan right? Why are we here? I'm assuming you didn't just want us to tour the city."

"Yeah," Heiji said. "Dere's some whackjobs out dere who're tryin' to jinx my city. And I need yer help to find'em."

 **OPENING**

(White Sails by Maroon Festival)

(No pain, no gain! In the course of exposing the flaws in others you'll often uncover unwanted truths about yourself! A sports curse! An act of vandalism against a city! But is there more to it than meets the eye? Perceiving the one and only truth! With the body of a child but the mind of an adult, my name is DETECTIVE CONAN!)

If you look now you can see them departing from the docks

Bravely embarking beyond the horizon visible from the shore

Venturing into the endless deep-blue expanse we call the earth

Filled with anticipation and the realization there's no turning back

A trail blazed by the trade winds, overhead, blowing on their hair

Their time-worn wooden craft dipping into the crashing waves

The furthest out of the land-based seagulls seeing them off at last

As they boldly tread where none of their kin have gone before

"Isn't it great to be alive in these times?" the captain says, leaning against the deck

"Our forefathers made the way for this glorious day: let's not let them down, eh?"

White sails unfurled, capturing the wind, our time is here and now

We are the human race, the inheritors of a momentous undertaking

Today we write the next chapter in the timeless story of the proud

So they'll say of us, "They pushed the boundary to the next level."

 **Heiji's Bizarre Adventure!**

They were now sitting in a restaurant called the Kanidoraku Dotonbori-Honten, a place that specialized in crabs.

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

Kogoro looked at the menu. "Umm, yes. I'll take the Crab Hot Pot Course Meal."

"I'll take the Kids Meal," Nancy said, well aware that Heiji was paying the whole thing out of pocket.

"Kids Meal for me too," Conan said.

"...Nothing for me," Heiji said reluctantly.

Poor guy, Conan thought with a deadpan look.

After the waiter left:

"Have any of you heard of the Curse of the Colonel?" Heiji asked.

"Curse of the...Colonel?" Nancy repeated.

"What is that, some kind of video game?" Kogoro asked.

"It's a baseball curse," Conan explained. "The Hanshin Tigers (the baseball team representing Osaka) won the Japan Series in 1985 for the first and only time, having defeated the Seibu Lions, winning 4 of 6 games. The notoriously rowdy Tigers fans celebrated through a ritual in which the name of each player on the Tigers team would be called out, and then a fan who looked like that player would jump off the Ebisu Bridge into the Dotonbori Canal. In that year, the Tigers had an American player named Randy Bass. As a foreigner, there were no fans who physically resembled him. So some Einstein had the idea of stealing a statue of Colonel Sanders (the founder and mascot of KFC) and chunking it off the bridge into the canal. In the 35 season of the Japan Series that have taken place since then, the Tigers have not been able to replicate that victory. In fact, they would not even make it to play in the Japan Series again until 2003, or 18 years later. They lost then too, and in subsequent seasons that they were able to advance that far. A lot of Tigers fans have attributed this losing streak to the so-called 'Curse of the Colonel'. That is, they claim the spirit of Colonel Sanders has been angered."

He smirked arrogantly, relishing this opportunity to have a little fun at Heiji's expense. "Honestly though, there's need to bring talk of curses into this. The statue in question was actually found and pieced back together in 2009, and they still haven't been able to win since. Let's just face it: the Hanshin Tigers just plain suck as a team. Not like the Yomiuri Gia-

And for that, Conan got a strong bop on the head from a very annoyed Heiji.

"I don't blame you," Kogoro said. "He's one talkative little brat, when he wants to be. Nosy too."

"So what's this about the Curse?" Nancy asked.

Before answering, Heiji looked around to make sure no one else was in earshot.

"As you may have heard, in recent months there's been a big shakeup in the Tigers," he said. "They got some solid new players now. People are saying they've actually got a chance of not just making it to the Series this year but actually winning it. Like we might finally break the Curse of the Colonel. But then, two days ago I heard from a friend at school. The night before he saw something, as he was walking down Dotonbori looking to pick up a gift for his girlfriend. He was walking by the Ebisu Bridge, when he saw two figures lifting what looked like a statue of the Colonel...And then right before his eyes they threw it off the bridge and into the river."

"At first I wasn't sure if I believed him," Heiji continued. "But he swore on what he saw. He's a pretty big fan on the Tigers too, so I know he understands the importance of not spreading rumors. If word gets out about this, it could hurt morale of the fans, and even have an effect on the players themselves. I mean, why give it your best on the field if you're cursed to lose, right?"

"And that's why you called us here," Kogoro said. "You want us to help you find the people who did this."

Heiji nodded. "If nothing else, I'd like to know why any Osakan would decide to pull a stunt like this, given our city's history."

Heiji turned to Conan. "So how 'bout it? You in?"

Conan sighed. "If a statue of Colonel Sanders was pilfered from a local KFC outlet to be thrown into a canal, that would constitute destruction of property. Yeah, okay. I'm in."

Heiji grinned, confident that two of Japan's finest minds were on the case.

"So do you know which KFC it was?" Conan asked, bursting Heiji's bubble.

 **Scene Transition**

"Heeeeeehhhhh?!" Conan said. "What do you mean there weren't any KFC outlets that reported anything stolen?"

"I asked Otaki-han to run it through the Osaka police database," Heiji said. "On the day of and on the day that followed the alleged incident, there were zero KFCs in the city that filed a complaint with the police about a stolen statue of the Colonel. Just to be safe, I personally visited all the outlets in the area and asked around."

"So wouldn't that make your friend a liar?" Kogoro asked. "Or at least mistaken?"

Heiji shook his head. "Look, I trust this guy, alright? He wouldn't have come to me unless he was sure about what he saw."

"Neh," Nancy said, "Is it possible that the statue was taken from a KFC located elsewhere in the country?"

"Yeah, I considered that," Heiji said, increasingly unsure.

There was a pause.

"Well, I guess we can just start by checking the scene of the crime," Kogoro said. "What's it called again?"

"The Ebisu Bridge," Heiji said.

 **Scene Transition**

They walked up the stairs and onto the bridge, which made for a very wide space.

Conan tugged at Heiji's pants. Heiji got the signal and bent down.

"So this is the place, huh," Conan whispered. "Where you confessed your love for Kazuh-

" _Baro_ , dat was just a slip of the tongue," Heiji said, blushing.

Alright, I think I've teased him enough for now, Conan thought. "So where was your friend standing when he saw it happen?"

"It was right over there," Heiji said, pointing.

In response, Conan went and ran to the other end of the bridge and went down the stairs. He ran along the streets and then turned around to face Heiji.

Heiji pulled out his phone and called Conan's phone. Of course, the shrunken detective was quick to answer.

"Yeah, that's where he was," Heiji said. "He led me to that spot where you're standing now, roughly. What can you see? Anything out of the ordinary?"

"...No," Conan said. "If all they did was throw a statue off a bridge, I don't see why there would be. Depending on how they did it, it wouldn't necessarily scrape the side of the bridge, and in any case I'm much too far away to spot a small scrape. There's nothing sticking out of the waters either. Alright, I'm coming back."

Conan hung up and then ran back.

"So we've got no leads, huh," Kogoro said.

"Huh, what the heck...?" Nancy said, pointing. "That's not Colonel Sanders."

But indeed it was: a commercial of the Colonel on a TV, the character being played by a Japanese man.

"Well howdy y'all!" the fake Colonel said. "I'm Colonel Harland Sanders, and I'd like to invite you for dinner down at KFC. We've always made our signature chicken the same way, an 80 year old recipe that calls for 11 herbs and spices. And now, for a limited time you can order our Wasabi Chicken Bucket! New bold flavor, same chicken you know and love! KFC! It's finger-lickin' good!"

And with that, Conan and Heiji looked at each other, to verify that they were both thinking the same thing.

The game was afoot.

 **Scene Transition**

They walked into a KFC.

"Welcome to KFC," the man behind the counter said. "Can I take your order?"

"Um, actually, we were hoping to speak with the manager," Kogoro said.

"I'm the manager."

"I see," Kogoro said. "My name is Mouri Kogoro, a private detective. Perhaps you've heard of me?"

"...No, it doesn't ring a bell," the manager said to Kogoro's displeasure.

"We have some questions that we'd like to ask you," Kogoro said. "It pertains to an investigation into-

"Oh, you're here about the break-in?"

"Huh?"

"Oh, you aren't?" the manager said, confused.

"Was there...a break-in here?" Kogoro asked.

"Here? No."

"Oh," Kogoro said. "Um, so, it's our understanding that a Japanese man recently starred as the Colonel in a KFC commercial that aired locally."

"Mizuru-kun, you mean?"

"Eh?" Heiji said. "You know him?"

"Yeah, he worked here up until about a year ago," the manager said.

"Neh, what happened?" Conan asked.

"He was cook," the manager said. "Once I caught him walking out of the bathroom at work just like three seconds after the toilet flushed. I asked him if he washed his hands, and he said no. Needless to say, I didn't dislike the kid or anything but I couldn't accept that kind of health violation happening here. I had little choice but to fire him on the spot. After that, he got with some of his old buddies from high school. They got crazy drunk, he dressed up like the Colonel, and started blabbing off like he was the Colonel on a Koshien Bowl commercial. One of them posted it on the internet."

The manager laughed. "As fate would have it, that was his lucky day. Some people with the franchise got hold of the video, and they sent a talent scout this way. Asked me a few questions about him, where he lived, and so on. Next thing you know, he was in a filming studio wearing a fake white beard, glasses, some face make-up, an uplandish costume, and a bucket of chicken in his hand. I'll tell you, that's the zaniest thing I ever saw. And I'll tell you what else: the first commercial he did was so popular that the heads of the local KFC franchise had him model in costume so they could create a statue of him, the 'Japanese Colonel Sanders. They've been mass producing them now, set to be put up in outlets across the city starting next week."

"Hey," Heiji said, "what I'm about to ask you is kind of important, so if you could please answer honestly..."

"Sure," the manager said.

"Where are these statues being kept in the meantime?" Heiji asked.

"Oh, so you are here about the break-in," the manager said.

"Huh?" Kogoro said.

"Yeah, I got a text on my phone the other night," the manager said. "Somebody broke into that warehouse."

Conan and Heiji's eyes widened.

"Could you tell us where that is?!" Conan pressed.

 **Scene Transition**

They took a taxi to the location.

They walked up to the door and knocked.

A few seconds later a man opened the door.

"Ah yes, you must be that detective," the man said, beckoning them to enter. They did so.

"Can you tell us about the break-in?" Heiji asked.

"Yeah, listen, I got to leave about now," the man said. "I'll let Yoshiki here tell you the details."

They went to the room where several lifesized states of Mizuru as Colonel Sanders were lined up.

"Whup, whup, whoa!"

"Gnarly, man! Didn't think anyone could make it from there!"

"Now I'm gonna drink the whole dang thing. Don't care if I barf it u-

"HEY!" the man who greeted Kogoro and the likes at the door, the man who ran this warehouse, barked. "What'd I say about playing beer pong at work?! Huh? How many stinkin' times do I have to nail it into your thick skulls that-"

Remembering that there were guests or so to speak, the man stopped himself in his tracks. He sighed.

"Look, somebody clear this out, okay? Yoshiki, tell the detective here about the break-in. See ya all tomorrow. Don't forget to lock up."

A clearly inebriated Yoshiki (age 26) came waltzing up to Kogoro, Heiji, Conan and Nancy.

"Sup," he said, hiccuping. "Alright, so, it happened three nights ago. Around 10 or so. An alarm went off, the boss called me to come check it out. The lock had been broken on the door. I called the cops. And...yada yada."

"Was anything stolen?" Kogoro asked.

"Huh? It's funny, ya know...they asked us the same thing."

"And...?" Heiji asked impatiently.

"Oh, right. They had us do inventory and stuff...but nope. We couldn't spot anything missing."

He burped.

"Sorry bro," Yoshiki said, chuckling. "Anyways, my boss'll kill me if I don't get this cleaned up, so..."

He turned around, and with that Kogoro and the rest turned to leave.

They headed out the front door.

"Nothing was stolen, huh," Conan said.

"But they clearly made an attempt to enter," Heiji said. "As for my friend, he said he saw them throw the statue off the Ebisu Bridge around 10:30. Three nights ago."

"So the timing definitely adds up then," Kogoro said. "I saw those statues just now. They looked enough like the classic Colonel Sanders statues that your friend wouldn't have been able to differentiate between them seeing it happen outside at night. But, if none of those were stolen, then..."

There was a pause.

"Hey, why don't we try checking out Mizuru-san's house?" Nancy suggested.

"Hmm? What good would that do?" Kogoro asked.

Nancy shrugged. "It's not like we have any better leads."

 **Scene Transition**

After having gone back to the KFC they visited earlier to get Mizuru's address, they finally arrived at the condo complex on the other side of town.

They entered the lobby.

"Whoa, this guy must've made good money, to afford a place here," Nancy said.

"Yes?" the man behind the counter asked. "Are you here to see anyone in particular?"

"Um, yeah," Kogoro said. "We're looking for a Mizuru Matsukami (age 32)."

"I see. Are you friends or family of his? Or just fans?"

The automatic door opened behind them.

"Neither," Kogoro said. "I'm a police detective. We're here to enquire about-

"Oh? You're with the police?"

They turned around. An older couple had just entered.

"Are you here about Mizuru?" the older man asked.

"Any word on him?!" the older woman pressed desperately.

"H-Huh...?" Kogoro said.

Heiji stepped forward. "Are you two Mizuru-san's parents?"

They nodded.

"The way you were just now," Kogoro said, "you made it sound as though he's missing."

"He is!" the older man insisted. "That's what we've been trying to tell you officers all along!"

"Neh, when did he go missing?" Conan asked.

"Last we spoke to him was on the phone three days ago," the older woman said. "He hasn't answered any of our calls since!"

"Please, we're worried sick about him," the older man said. "Mizuru's our only son. Sure, we weren't pleased when he failed to finish high school, or when he spent the next couple years of his life in between jobs, and how he drinks too much, but that doesn't mean we don't care about him! We beg you, take this matter seriously!"

Without saying another word, Kogoro stepped outside. Heiji, Conan and Nancy followed him.

 **Scene Transition**

They returned to walking along the Dotonbori Canal, near the Ebisu bridge.

Kogoro sighed. "I didn't know what to tell them. That's not even why we came, sheesh..."

"Three days ago," Nancy said. "All of it...it can't be just a coincidence, can it?"

"...Dang it," Conan said, putting his phone back in his pocket.

"Huh? What is it?" Heiji asked.

"The original video," Conan said. "The one that got Mizuru noticed in the first place."

"You mean the one with his drunken tirades?" Heiji said. "Yeah, I already thought of that. Looks like either it's not on the web anymore or we have no clue what keywords to use to find it."

Conan stopped.

"...Oh man, I think I know what happened," he said.

Heiji and Nancy stopped in their tracks, prompting Kogoro to do likewise.

"The break-in at the warehouse," Conan said. "Nothing was stolen, right?

"Yeah, that's already been established," Heiji said. "I guess they got scared and bolted when the alarm went off."

"Or maybe not," Conan said. "What if the purpose was to lead the police to believe that they came and stole one of those statues of Mizuru-san dressed as the Colonel?"

"Why would anyone want to do that?" Kogoro said, skeptic.

"So as to provide a plausible explanation," Conan said. "A plausible explanation for what on earth the police would be digging out of the river a few months later. Three days ago, Mizuru-san was abducted. Maybe by his parents, or some hired muscle hired by his parents. Maybe they wanted a share of his earnings and he refused to budge. Or maybe it was the Yakuza. For all we know, Mizuru-san could've racked up a lot of debt in underground gambling rings, and maybe he refused to pay it back. Osaka is the crime capital of Japan, after all. Or it could've been literally anyone who wanted him dead for any reason. Whatever the case, my theory is that the culprits took him somewhere, had him dress up like the Colonel, killed him, and then covered his body in cement."

"When the cement dried, he'd look like a statue of the Colonel but without paint," Heiji said. "When the police found him, they'd assume that the waters washed away the paint. Given this city's sports history, they would immediately reach a conclusion as to what it was doing in the canal in the first place. As it would no longer be suitable to be erected in stores, it'd likely be disposed of in a landfill. Mizuru-san's actual body would never be located. He would simply be labeled a missing person. Of course, no forensic evidence could be lifted if no body was found."

They all turned to the canal.

"It's in there," Kogoro said. "Somewhere in those waters."

"Yeah," Heiji said.

They turned to Nancy.

"Here, hold my phone so it doesn't get wet," Heiji said, handing it to her.

"Here's mine," Conan said.

And with a grunt Kogoro handed her his.

They walked to the edge of the canal, and looked down.

Kogoro shuddered. "I am not looking forward to this."

Nobody here is, Conan thought. But...

One of the phones in Nancy's hand rung.

"HERE GOES NOTHING!"

They took the plunge into the canal.

"WAIT!" Nancy called out.

But it was too late.

*splash*

 **Ending**

( _Hikari_ by Hikaru Utada, main theme to the 2002 video game Kingdom Hearts)

 _Donna toki datte_

 _Tada hitori de_

 _Unmei wasurete_

 _Ikite kita no ni_

 _Totsuzen no hikari no naka me ga sameru_

 _Mayonaka ni_

 _Shizuka ni deguchi ni tatte_

 _Kurayami ni hikari o ute_

 _Imadoki yakusoku nante fuan ni saseru dake kana_

 _Negai o kuchi ni shitai dake sa_

 _Kazoku ni mo shoukai suru yo_

 _Kitto umaku iku yo_

 _Donna toki datte_

 _Zutto futari de_

 _Donna toki datte_

 _Soba ni iru kara_

 _Kimi to iu hikari ga watashi o mitsukeru_

 _Mayonaka ni_

Shivering and covered in a blanket provided by the Osaka police department, Kogoro let out a swear word beneath his breath.

Had they just waited a few seconds before jumping into the canal, they would've been able to hear Nancy tell them about the text Heiji's phone had received.

It had been from Otaki, who'd been texted by Heiji several minutes before to ask about Mizuru.

As it so turned out, in an extremely timely manner Mizuru had just shown up at his home minutes before, safe and sound but kind of confused, and his parents contacted the police to inform them of the situation. Otaki, in turn, sent Heiji a text to inform him of this. Of course, if Mizuru was still alive then the statue thrown into the canal was irrelevant, except so far as sports curses went.

"I can't believe we jumped into the Dotonbori Canal," Heiji said, his teeth chattering lightly. "Why the heel didya hafta come up with a harebrained theory like that?"

"Well it was your choice to believe me!" Conan retorted, also cold and shivering.

As it turned out, Mizuru had been offered a deal by some outlets in Tokyo to shoot another commercial there. To celebrate, his best friend from high school surprised him with a car ride to a cabin in Yamagata Prefecture, where they spent the past few days partying it up and drinking booze. Of course, now he was being scolded fiercely by his parents to whom he had caused so much worry and grief, not just in this instance but over the years.

Kogoro, Conan, and Heiji sat at the steps leading to the second floor at the Osaka Police Department HQ. Nancy stood a few feet away, staring at them in amusement.

"And as this day comes to a close, we still don't know squat about what happened with that stupid KFC statue of yours," Kogoro said.

Suddenly, two young men burst into the building. They fell to their knees.

"We're very very sorry!" they said.

Huh? Conan and Heiji thought.

A police officer approached the two men. "What is the meaning of this?"

"A-Actually, three nights ago we did something wrong," one of them said.

As it turned out, they were brothers from Tokyo who recently moved to Osaka to attend college there. They were big fans of the Yomiuri Giants, and they were worried when they heard about how the improvements made to the Hanshin Tigers, so they threw the statue of Mizuru into the Dotonbori Canal in an effort to bring back the curse on the Hanshin Tigers.

"Those b****rds," Heiji said.

"Hmph, what are you complaining about?" Kogoro asked. "Some Tokyoites did this, right? Doesn't that mean the Yomiuri Giants are cursed now?"

"Heh? That's true," Heiji realized, beginning to get excited.

He stood up. "YES! YES! Tokyo can SUCK IT! Hahahaha!"

"There's still one thing I don't get," Conan said, clearly not in the best of moods. "If nothing was stolen from the warehouse, then where'd they get the statue to throw into the canal in the first pl-

A police officer suddenly ran towards them.

"Yes, Mouri-san is right here," he said, handing the phone to Kogoro.

"Yo, I knew I saw you somewhere," Yoshiki (the inept, drunken employee of the warehouse) said. "You're that hotshot Tokyo detective guy. And I got to meet you, which is pretty sw-eeeeet! So, um, I'm kinda embarrassed about this now, but...it turns out we miscounted on inventory. There was one statue missing. Huh, life's funny like that sometimes. I guess I must've just been too stoned to count at the time. Well, it was nice meeting ya. Bye."

He hung up.

"Oh you've GOT to be kidding me!" Conan fumed.

We jumped into a canal...because that punk couldn't count right? Kogoro thought, teed.

"There you are!"

Kazuha Toyama, the archetypal cute anime girl with a crush on her male childhood friend, entered the police building and went up to them.

"You're ridiculous," she said, "jumping into the Dotonbori Canal over some sports curse!"

"A- _Aho_ , that's not what happened!" Heiji fired back.

After a few more seconds of bickering they both paused. They looked at Conan and Nancy.

"Now that we're all here..." Kazuha began.

"Hey, Mouri-san," Heiji said. "I have a request."

"Okay...?"

"Ya don't mind if we borrow Conan-kun and Nancy-kun for a few days?"

"Huh?!" Kogoro exclaimed, standing up. "What, you mean like just leave them here with you?"

"Just for a few days," Kazuha said.

"And look, Mouri-san, you got back with your wife a few months back, right?" Heiji said. "But since then, with these two freeloaders and all, you really haven't had a lot of opportunities to just have the house to yourselves, right? Just the two of ya? Well, here's yer chance. Just let us take 'em of your hands for a little while and that'll be that. Think of it as free babysitting. Whaddya say?"

"Well, if you put it like that, fine by me," Kogoro said, a little too enthusiastically. "Have fun, kiddos!"

And with an obnoxious laugh he strolled out the front entrance of the police building.

"Oi, please don't tell me this is another case," Conan said. "I've been here just a few hours and already I'm soaking wet."

"Don't worry, I don't think that'll be an issue where we're going," Heiji said.

"Huh? And where is that?" Nancy asked.

Seconds later, she wished that she had kept her mouth shut, because Heiji's answer was:

"Aokigahara Forest."


End file.
